What a year ’twas 2011. Amazingj highs… painful lows. And now 2012? Only the good Lord knows.
I have been blessed over the past many months to have been allowed to grow stronger as a person. Strength has come from realizing how deep some of my capacities really are, especially when it comes to love. The complex state of being known as love can bring amazing experiences as well as painful existences. Which is where I find myself today… on the back-end of love. And since this is an impromptu post via QuickPress, I am unsure of where to go from here as relates to what I’m saying. My most important thoughts right now are strength, hope, faith, growth, compassion, emptiness (as in the hard to grasp Buddhist concept of emptiness), perseverance and self-preservation, and of course *love*. And what a love it was (passionate too!), and no doubt still is – minus the act of passion. Even though I cannot be with the one that I love anymore, I shall treasure the time that we were together and honor the growth that I have been allowed as a result of being with such an amazing individual.
As a Christian-Buddhist, I know that though all things are transient, they always remain the same. 1 Cor 13 (NKJV) declares a treatise of love, and I would never have imagined that I would be able to experience so many of those qualities that I most certainly have. The mere fact that one relationship has shown me such excellence is miraculous in itself. Though the relationship has come to an end, I have hope and faith that when the time is right I might be able to give (and receive) the same powerful (if not stronger) love that I have experienced over much of 2011.
With my current desire for healthy mindsets, I feel not grief but yet joy that my life was allowed to become enriched as a result of having been in that relationship. Of course there is sadness and longing, but the Samsaric process of attachment would only further (and deepen) suffering. That I must remember. As well as such, I must consider the seeming-phenomenon that I was able to enrich the life of another… was able to brighten another’s life, eyes, spirit, mind , heart and soul. Those truths I should keep in my heart because of my inferior quality of keeping a low self-esteem and always being quick to downgrade my actions/abilities/accomplishments. However, I do not wish for my soul seeds to be in vain. I feel deep concern for the one that I was with and the path that she will take after we go our ways. I will never allow the ways that her soul moved mine to be lost on me, no. My wish is for her to feel the same and to grow stronger after our separation of being. Though it was a very (verry) complicated relationship, my wish is for the continual seek of bright happiness (for both of us)… even if it must be experienced as separated halves of one whole.
Wow. What a healing that turned out to be. I never imagined for this post to morph into was it essentially has.
Writing is so very healing – a healing that is priceless – a healing that should be encouraged and exercised. But gosh do I still love her… and that is one promise that could never change.