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OCD, or “I need to get a job”

21 July, 2010

Yea, I’m onto something with this WordPress thing… to bad I couldn’t get paid to do it. I need to find a job, but i seem stuck at my laptop, hopping onto the neighborhood network and accessing the internet. My new fond obsession is what they call “blogging”. If I would call what I’m doing blogging, then whatever. Rather, I liken it to ranting and wasting my time. At least, though, I need to appreciate the fact that I AM creating something. Wether it be read by others, or just myself, I should revel in the fact that it has given me a new outlet and motivation to pursue one of my favorite activities…writing. Why is it that we are motivated to do something when we are posed with an opportunity to be grouped into a larger ‘community’? Surely I could write my thoughts on an offline word processor, but for some reason, I feel more of an inclination to access this site and produce literary creations. Must be some sort of exhibitionism or approval sub-conscious yearning, one that I am unaware of, because I enjoy relative annominnity in the world. Maybe our inclinations and preferences pose some sort of reverse psychology in our lives. Why else would one partake in activities that one loathes so much? Of course, we must consider the addiction possibility, but I believe that addictions are only chains that we allow ourselves to be held by, chains that we in fact hold the key within ourselves that can unlock the lock that holds those chains around us. I am witness to a few of these instances of where addictions can be largely reversed. Of course, the urges come and go, but I find that I am more in control of my choices, not the chemicals in my brain. Molecular-level realities sure seem to run our lives at times. My next experiment might lie in the instance when I do toe the line of a past addiction. Could i partake in a known problem substance without major recourse? I do know that I wish to never smoke cigarettes again, and to even light one up would flood those molecular structures of my brain with signals that I might not be able to control. So with that in mind, I make a conscious effort to never attempt to smoke cigarettes again. Alcohol, on the other hand, I’m not so sure about. If the old cliché holds true, I might never be able to drink again. Would it be possible to indulge one night, lose my inhibitions, enjoy myself and the company of others, without ruining my life? This question might go unanswered, for I’m not sure if I am up to the experiment… at least not yet. My overall health, both mental AND physical seem to be doing just fine without alcohol. I know the pros and cons of indulgence of alcohol. My only fear is that I might fall back into old habits of actual habitual drinking. Now no one wants that, for sure, not even me. So my dilemma stands as this: if I let up my guard on a occassion and partake, would I be able to walk away largely unharmed? Or, might I seek out the co-dependant partners of alcohol, namely cigarettes. I’m sure that I could withstand the urge to smoke while drinking, as I’ve done that before. My fear is that I might feel cravings a few days later… cravings that are too strong to ignore. My thoughts of alcohol are currently only few and far between, slight, and easily passed over. Could I maintain this composure towards alcohol-ingestion if I actually gave in and imbibed? I guess there is only one real way to find out. But, I’m pretty sure that by even posing these questions to myself, I already know the answer. Why is it always the good guys that lose out on all the fun? I shall seek more information and search my molecular structures for more answers before I would even think to attempt such an experiment, one that actually used to be a reality to me. Wow, to even think of drinking as some sort of experiment seems strange… in the past, a “drinking experiment” might have included lots of alcohol and various sized glasses, a handful of friends, and some sort of dangerous ordinance. Hmmmm… probably better to not go THAT route, at least.

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